MORE TO SHED

How in the hell did I leave my BITCH self for so long? I haven't been here for awhile.

I had a kid. I became a housewife (by choice), I started a business (by choice), my Mom got cancer (not by choice), my father moved out of the country (by choice), we bought a new house (by choice). I forgot about my BITCH self.

I think I quietly accepted life without inspecting it too much.

Sometimes, it is easier without inspection. Whatch don't know, see, hear, feel, or pretend not to feel, won't hurt ya, right?

Not.

BITCH is back. More armor. More to talk about.

More to shed.

TALKING

Guarded and angry I have to say that I look back on the last few months of my life and cannot believe the amount of adversity that I have pushed through. No, this is not me hugging myself and giving myself a huge pat on the back. This is me looking back on my life for the past 18 months and watching it like it is a bad horror flick and being really fucking proud that I seem to be coming out of the other side, someone whole.

In tough times we shrink. Both internally and externally. Our shoulders cave in. Our heart slows. Our minds race. Our life chugs... My shoulders have been concave. My heart almost dead. My soul vacant.

And during this time I am certain that I have been one of the bad bitches. The nasty ones. Only because it was how I was feeling on the inside. Lost. Stolen. Pissed. Cheated. Torn.

But... in writing this blog I reminded myself that I, nor you, or any woman should go down easy. Without a fight. That life is not about joy and pleasure all the time and the tough times have to be taken on with courage. This I have learned by watching the grace in other women who have faced so much more adversity than I. It just shows us how tough we can really be. Not tough like bad ass (unless of course that is what you aspire to be which is great) but tough in knowing that even when the horse is down and being kicked that she ain't given' in or up.

This horse has been down. This BITCH has been down. But I have my bitch armor and my gear. My lips are painted. My heart is filling and I have courage to turn over the page on tomorrow.

GOOD BITCH READING

I love to read and I have some great suggestions for good reading...

First a BITCH must read:

Cowboys Are My Weakness by Pam Houston
This is a great book and I have read it at several different stages of my life and always learned something new.

Talk Before Sleep by Elizabeth Berg
Don't read this if you are depressed but read this any other time. This is a beautiful book.

CUNT by Inga Muscio
This is a treasure. If you haven't read it- get it. If you are offended by the name get over it. A can't miss.

The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver
Anything by Barbara Kingsolver is worth the read. She is all around great.

Banana Rose by Natalie Goldberg
You really will love this tale. And Natalie Goldberg is funky and fun.

The Education of Little Tree by Forrest Carter
This should be required reading. Read this to your children, your friends, your family. A lovely, beautiful journey.

The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve
Anita Shreve is always keeping her readers on their toes- this novel in particular is great. One of her best works. Totally alive with so many different elements that we humans love to engage in. Love, sex, passion, loss, fear, anger, etc. You can't go wrong. It is a smart read.

I am always looking for good suggestions!

WHERE IS THE ETIQUETTE?

I often wonder how people actually get away with most of the stuff they get away with. I find so many people to be so crass and mean. Where did public etiquette go? I mean I am not a student of Emily Post by any stretch of the imagination, however, there seems to be no manners left…in anyone!

People are rude, belligerent, obnoxious (especially on their cell phones), angry, violent, pissed off, self-centered and self-important. The older I have gotten the more I have recognized how little people actually care about one another. I am talking about people out in public (not family and friends- though that could be debatable). You walk down the street and get bumped and people no longer even say “excuse me.” You make a wrong turn or a small mistake on the road and it is total road rage galore. Every expletive comes from wound up windows and a wide-open mouth- sometimes a finger- the middle one to be exact.

There just doesn’t seem to be any common decency anymore. Or maybe I am just blind to it. But I haven’t seen any in a long time. I just know that some of the human indecency has given me more reason to adorn my BITCH GEAR. My shell.

I just wish there was more compassion. More general caring. More people who gave a shit. I wish there was friendliness and softness. I think so many of us have bean beaten up and spit out. It is a shame. I am guilty of being a loud cell phone talker, a cursing driver and even a self-important wench. But I try to put myself in check and realize that it isn’t ‘all about me’ and that there are so many things out there greater than ME. And that MY world isn’t the only world that exists here. I try to balance myself. I try to be a KIND BITCH. But sometimes I am just kind of a BITCH.

I wonder if this has always been the case; people just unkind to one another and publicly inappropriate. And if not… when did we let our guards down and think it was okay to flip people off and call them nasty names? When did it become okay to push and shove and spit in the street?

Anyone know?

ANoNymous Poster

My feeling is if you are going to be a REAL BITCH...the type that people don’t really like- vindictive, ugly, condescending and mean, then you should at least show your face and be brave about it.

Posting anonymously is so meager if you are going to critisize someone...

Long story short and my first BITCH RANT:

I have another blog at http://miscarriageonetwomany.blogspot.com

Yes that is correct. I am one of “those women” who has had a few miscarriages. Anyway- I have been grieving heavily since I lost two babies within 6 months. I blog. I heal. I cry. I sometimes die in small doses. I am doing what I need to do to repair.

I had a post last week that really upset me. What, can’t a BITCH get emotional? Yup, they can. We can. I am. I am very sensitive. Chalk it up to being in touch with my reality and my feelings. Again, I am proud of who I am.

This is the post that some “ANONYMOUS and FACELESS COWARD posted to my site:

"I have read several of your pages, and I am so sad for you ~ it is truly a frightening, sad and completely random experience that effects a woman who has had a miscarriage. I know your pain and am sorry you have had to go through such trauma ~ but you need to get over this. I know that is blunt and seems callous, but you do. Life is a gift, and when the time is right for you and your man to have another opportunity to love and cherish another life, you will be given that chance. In the meantime, you need to heal yourself of this hateful state you have placed yourself in. You sound angry and irrational in your writings ~ and although this is a part of the healing process, until you get past it, you will never be healthy enough to try again. All things happen for a reason. Some reasons are hard to see, but they will teach you if you push past this angered state and search for the answer. "

Now… I am all about sharing ones opinion. GO FOR IT. But do it with a face and some courage. This post is awful and in a BAD BITCH kind of way. There is a difference.
A GOOD BITCH would never write something so UGLY. A BAD BITCH WOULD.

There is a difference. Nonetheless, I have moved on and just wanted to share my first BITCH RANT. I have a few but this one really stuck with me. People can be so awful. It is the ugliness in people that I think I am most surprised by as a grown woman now. I just never expected that people could be so awful to one another… but they are.

Anyway BITCHES… at least all the GOOD, COURAGEOUS, BITCHES… I hope you are having a MEANINGFUL evening.

This bitch is going to bed!

SO YOU WANNA BE A BITCH...

WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?

Are you a doormat? A wall flower? A shadow?

Doormats are for front doors.

Wall flowers are a band.

Shadows are for playing.

I have been all of these. Fearful and angry. Stupified by the power that some held over me. Shy and scared by my own shadow.

NO LONGER...

I woke one day and I was different. It probably happened over time, however I specifically felt different one day. Different in a BITCH kind of way. Now- lets retrace our steps.

DEFINITION OF BITCH:

-A female canine animal, especially a dog.

-A lewd woman.

I woke up knowing that I was NO longer going to be a victim, a doormate, a wallflower, a shadow.

I decided that this was MY life... and that I was not going to let people take ADVANTAGE of me or hurt me, or steal from me, fuck me, scare me, push me, mistreat me or mislead. I woke with a ferocious vigor that was NOT negative it was beautifully empowering. I woke and took control and this was only a short time ago.

Each day is different because I have drawn boundaries. What a concept. Draw boundaries. I don't treat people poorly and so I don't expect to be treated poorly. I work hard and expect to be appreciated for my contribution to the workplace which churns our economy. I expect to love and care for my friends and my family and watch out for them; I am very territorial. I love my dogs and even when other dogs mess with my dogs my wolf fang drop down ... Claws come out. I am protective of my lost pregnancies... Even though people tell me to "get over it." I am in love with HOPE... and have it. I try to share it. I try to be better than I actually am. I try to keep my judgments low and my spirits high. But I am imperfect and that is okay. But I have also grown into an imperfect BITCH and could not be happier.

Now, I always know where I stand... What meaning I attach to situations and circumstances and what rings important. Maybe it comes with age. Maybe it comes from pain. Maybe it is just lucky. Lucky to be alive and to be a BITCH.


This is from one of my favorite authors Clarissa Pinkola Estes - She wrote Women Who Run With the Wolves- and amazing tale.

"Wolves and women share a psychic bond in their fierceness, grace and devotion to mate and community. This comparison defines the archetype of the Wild Woman, a female in touch with her primitive side and able to rely on gut feelings to make choices."

When women are STRONG they are BITCHES... We can embrace that. When women are OPINIONATED they are BITCHES. WE should embrace that. When women are SUCCESSFUL they are BITCHES... when women are POWERFUL they are BITCHES... We are considered by society as BITCHES...When we are any of these things. Well, you know what? I AM SO PROUD TO BE A BITCH! HOW LUCKY! HOW AMAZING! HOW LIBERATING!

HOW WILD AND FREE AND WICKED AND OVERDUE!!!

SLEEP WELL BITCHES!

BITCH PROPHECIES

To be a BITCH or not to be a BITCH is not even a question.

One must be a BITCH to survive and let me tell you why.

You ARE different from others so you will get through life “differently than others”

a) you live outside the box
b) you aren’t Martha Stewart
c) you don’t have a 5 carrot diamond on your finger
d) you drink too much or not enough
e) you’re a workaholic an alcoholic a fuckaholic an intertaholic
f) you drive fast
g) your poor
h) your fat
i) your rich
j) your dumb
k) your part of the menses society
l) you sew
m) you barf
n) you snort
o) you sleep
p) you take anti-depressants
q) you married young
r) you’re cheating
s) your gay
t) your too tall
u) your ugly
v) you are skinny
w) you’re athletic
x) you hide from everything and everyone
y) you're in denial
z) you hate your job

If you have something others want you will be envied

a) you have a husband
b) money
c) health
d) status
e) education
f) savings
g) guts
h) stability
i) insurance
j) hair
k) boobs
l) retirement
m) high metabolism
n) babies
o) grown ups
p) mental health
q) ability to achieve
r) good reputation
s) your not shy
t) your tall
u) your beautiful
v) your husband is hot
w) your sex life is good
x) diamonds
y) doctorates
z) nice car

NOW… if you are not a BITCH then these things can really put a damper on your day and your psyche. We can’t have that…not now or ever.

You must be a BITCH. You must put your BITCH armor on and wear it proud. Be strong.

With BITCH Armor You Can:

a) tell people what you really think without apology
b) have an opinion
c) have a choice
d) make choices without the direction or influence of another human being
e) succeed in difficult circumstances
f) know what you want
g) survive in a callous world
h) look people in the eye
i) have confidence
j) love yourself
k) choose who you surround yourself with
l) fight for what you believe in
m) stand tall even when people try to cut you off at the knees
n) trust your instincts
o) know your capabilities
p) honor yourself
q) be brave
r) have courage
s) know what is important
t) dream
u) grow
v) be wild
w) wicked
x) creative
y) have fun
z) know yourself

Bitch Armor to Include But Not Limited To:

a) lipstick
b) comfortable underwear
c) anything fleece
d) comfortable shoes
e) perfume
f) diamonds or rocks- who cares
g) a car that drives so you can go anywhere you want
h) strength from experience
i) a mouth that isn’t afraid
j) eyes open
k) awareness
l) fuzzy socks
m) an opinion
n) dogs (the more the better)
o) creativity – no matter what it looks like
p) wildness
q) curiosity
r) a sense of humor
s) drive
t) compassion
u) freedom
v) wisdom
w) a good bra
x) lots of BITCHS around you
y) love inside of you
z) peace


Now- with your BITCH armor on – in this big, bad world YOU CAN DO, BE, AND ACCOMPLISH all of the above. Why BITCH armor?

Because people will try to tear you down, tear you up and tell you that you are a BITCH if you are any or all of these things. People will try to degrade you, abuse you, leave you, hurt you, fuck you and alienate you because you are a STRONG woman with BITCH HONOR.

So, put your armor on and kick ass. Make no apology for being a BITCH.

It is beautiful, remember.